To or not to?
by gossamer moonglow
Summary: The Director has received orders to create couples out of his agents. Not an easy thing, though! Crack!fic.


_I had written this in one of my insomniac nights. You're warned. It makes no sense at all. Total crack!fic! Don't take it seriously…. _

_I have absolutely no idea how to descibe this one! Yes, if you read, you'll know. Mentioning of slash, but not really a slash story. It looked funny... at least to me. And yes, you don't have to agree! (No Directors or FBI Agents were abused (a lot) during this fiction work. Just so you know). Oh and a lot of **self quipping.**_

_**To… or not to?**_

Every member of Gibbs's team –including Gibbs himself- was gathered at the Director's Office. Just for amusement purposes it is going to be told that said Director is Leon Vance. It was originally planned to keep just like that: "Director" because NCIS is an Agency that changes Directors with the speed Tony invents Tim's nicknames. (Writer's note: After all, Mr Vance is the only Director whose episodes haven't seen, yep not even one, so if he's going to be OOC I won't even know! Yay, sneaky me! End of writer's note). Once they were all seated the Director started speaking in what he would like to consider as a monologue, but really now, it wasn't! Anyway, poor man, that he was he thought he could tame them…

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. I called you here to inform you you're all gay. Or at the very least, bisexual….' All people inside his office made an extremely nice imitation of fish out of water, but the Director was unstoppable. 'After the massive success of Torchwood, TPTB decided it is time to change your sexual orientation. And thank whoever you want we are not in FOX. After all, if the British have no problem showing Shakespeare, yes the great bard himself, as bisexual, I don't see why you should!' The only one who looked familiar and thus calm with the whole concept was Gibbs. All the others' eyes had widened in a dangerous state. Ducky considered asking for an ophthalmologist.

'How about you, Leon?'

'What about me, Jethro?' These men were anything but polite.

'Are you going to be gay or bisexual?'

'So far, no one of the fans wants me to be with a man… so I'm straight, for the time being. But, who knows it may change soon.'

'Hm, OK.' Gibbs turned to Tim who was observing the fine colour of the ceiling. 'Hey McGee, will you be gay with me?' If Tim was sipping from the bottle of water he was holding, they would have to call their cleaning lady. Ah but as things were, they didn't.

'But…Boss… I'm not gay…' Tim stuttered.

'McGee, do I look gay to you? If our fans want us gay then so be it.'

'But, I was with Abby… and Amanda.. and others… women I mean'

'And look what good did to you. In case it escapes your memory I've lost count how many times I married and how many ex wives I have to support.' It didn't seem to persuade Tim and Gibbs wondered why. It looked perfectly normal to him. 'OK, how about bisexual?'

'Huh?'

'Will you be bisexual with me, McGee?'

'But, Boss what about me?'

'What about you, DiNozzo?

'We're far more years together, more fans want us together, you know… why are you picking McGeek over me?' He thought a bit more. 'And why should he choose you over me? Fans on e-bay are killing to get the shirt I gave to McGee when you made him take off his own.' Gibbs leaned closer to his senior agent and whispered in his ear.

'Because, Tony, the writer is a bit biased. She doesn't read slash unless is Jethro/Tim, and I'm Jethro and McGee is Tim, so there you have it. She also wants first time stories and a blushing Tim.' Turning around to look at Tim he did find him blushing.

'Boss, what are you talking about?'

'I don't know. It's not me talking. It's her. Maybe we need an exorcist.' Back to Tim.

'So, Tim?'

'I'm not bisexual Boss.'

'Oh don't worry about that, I'll seduce you.'

'And how are you going to do that?' Gibbs scratched his head.

'I don't have a clue…. Yet!'

'And maybe you'll get some threesome with Tony…' Abby said happily with a dreamy look at her eyes missing the horrified expressions of all three men. Anyway an invincible head slap returned her to reality. Leon took over to explain.

'Absolutely not threesomes, for now at least and for ever for agent McGee. Now, if you, Miss Scuito and Agent David…' his lips stack together reminding him not to say anything stupid. (Why? Because I can!)

'Gibbs, you'll get over my dead body to get Timmy. Tim is mine, mine to love, mine to take care, mine to protect.'

'Ziva?'

'What? There're so many people out there who want us together.'

'Yes, but as I've already said, not this one…' Gibbs said gleefully. 'Of course this lunatic also imagines me as McGee's , biological Dad.' Tim got up pushing purposely the chair behind to make noise. It did lose some of the affect because of the carpet though.

'What? If I don't want to do this gay thing once, I'm not into incest a thousand times, Boss.'

'Calm down Tim. It's not in the same plot-line.'

'Ah.'

'Just a moment, Jethro, Director, what about me? Why am I here?'

'You can have Palmer, Ducky.'

'Hey! I'm not a stuffed animal to be dragged around.'

'No worries Mr. Palmer. You're young enough to be my grandson.'

'Hm you, Dr Mallard, may choose to be straight as a matter of fact out of respect and all.' Ducky finally let the air he didn't know he was holding out and took a steady inhalation to calm himself. He was too old for this… damn! wrong film.

'Ok then for a moment there I thought I had to be with Anthony, or…'

'Why Ducky? What's wrong with me?'

'Nothing, my good lad, nothing. Or heavens forbid with Tobias.'

'And why exactly isn't Fornell here?' Gibbs asked suspiciously. The director had the grace to actually look ashamed.

'Well, you see, because I thought if Fornell was here he'd have to end up being with me in some way or another. I was sure none of you would want him.'

'Well, excuse me, Director, but if I'm going to be gay with Gibbs, my 20 years plus older, male boss, then you ought to be with FBI Agent Fornell. After all, it may do good to our relations with the FBI.

'But, I'm married, McGee.'

'I don't care. I'm not gay either.' McGee had taken the whole thing really badly.

'Bisexual, McGee!' Gibbs all but growled.

'Yes, sorry, Boss.' The head slap was unexpected.

'What have I said about apologies?'

'I still don't think this is right. What about me and Palmer?' Tony whined. 'And Ziva and Abby?'

A knock on the door made them all look at it where Director's secretary came in.

'Special Agent Fornell wants to talk with you.'

'Send him in.' Leon said resigned to his destiny. Tobias entered and looked around curiously.

'What can we do about you, agent Fornell?'

'To tell you the truth I have no idea what I'm doing here. I just felt a sudden craving to be with you.'

'See? True destiny!' Tim said.

'What do you mean?'

'You and the Director are going to be a couple?'

'WHAT? I'm not gay!' Tim patted his shoulder friendly.

'Welcome to the club.'

'All right, now that we're all here let's check the couples.' The Director got up to his full height.

'Sorry, but can't we do it some other time? I really don't want to miss the new Sherlock Holmes.' Tony was out of the door before anyone realizing he had gone.

'Yes, well, I have to finish my farm in Facebook. My little radish needs watering… See you all later.' Tim was gone in seconds.

'My boat will feel lonely.' Not even the smell of coffee was left behind as Gibbs disappeared with cat-like grace.

'Things to see, corpses to attend…' Jimmy and Ducky no where to be seen.

Vance looked around just to realize the ladies had already left so he turned to see Tobias.'

'So, I guess it's just you and me, Director!' Fornell said. 'Finally alone.'

**Finis**


End file.
